


Nightmares

by DesertLamb



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Established Relationship, Light BDSM, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 21:42:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17650415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertLamb/pseuds/DesertLamb
Summary: Estinien suffers nightmares after the events of Heavensward.  Luckily for him the WoL is with him.





	Nightmares

Nightmares

                There were times when the rage in his blood turned his sleep into vicious nightmares. Estinien woke to his own thrashing, voice hoarse from screaming. His vision was dark and blurred and his limbs were so cold he couldn't move them. Myrrh was at his side, turning on the lamp at their bedside table. The miqo'te's ears were flat against his skull but there was understanding in his eyes.

                Estinien hated him for it.  
                He forced his gaze away, working out the pins and needles in his arms and absolutely _not_ hiding behind his hair. The low light of the lamp was warm and welcoming and he hated that too, hated how tender and caring the damn light was. Everything was too soft here, too hot. Myrrh lived in the bleeding desert.  
                He longed for ice and snow. For the high mountains and wandering by himself through frozen ruins. Warmth reminded him of his family, gathered around a hearth, little brother nodding off in his lap as the logs crackled. His whole home crackled when Nidhogg set his horde upon them. Their bones split just like the wood. It was -

                "Breathe, love, breathe." Myrrh was by his side, looking patient and understanding but he couldn't possibly understand at all. Estinien's rage built and his vision tilted, fury blinding him as he struck out.  
                He hit Myrrh hard, a jab to his sternum that sent him on his back. Myrrh gasped, yellow eyes flashing as Estinien straddled him, pinning his arms. Estinien's hair was a curtain around them, the silver stark against the copper of Myrrh's skin. He didn't need to see, not to know the body beneath him. Strong thighs of a dragoon and pectorals to match. His right shoulder was a gnarled twist of scars from an old injury that was never healed properly. Estinien pressed there and his blood pulsed at the way Myrrh twitched. He hissed at the pain, the sound coming from deep in his throat. Estinien felt it through him, the vibration and pain making him rock into his partner. He was hard; they both were.

                He stared down at his partner, his expanse of skin and muscle. The way his wrists tensed beneath Estinien's. The way he breathed, forcing himself to take small, even breaths through the pain. Estinien started to rock against him, taking time to admire the view before leaning down to bite at Myrrh's lips.  
                He could feel when Myrrh had his energy back and a thrill went through him.  He wanted to fight.  He wanted to rip and bite and bring terror upon all who challenged him. 

                Myrrh broke from his grasp in one purposeful movement.  One hand went to Estinien's chest, pushing him off, the other to the back of his scalp, pulling his hair with a sharp jerk that craned his neck.  Myrrh's eyes were dangerous now, a well of deep calm that watched his struggle critically.  Estinien fought back, tried to claw from his grasp and bully the smaller man over but Myrrh was having none of it.  Estinien could rage and fight all he wanted but he had never won a physical match against Myrrh.  There was a deep, distant peace at that thought but he wasn't at a point to enjoy it yet. 

                "Damn you," he snarled, kicking and twisting in Myrrh's grip.  Myrrh rode him out, his hold tightening with every movement. 

                "Fight all you want little drake, you're safe here."

                He pulled Estinien's hair so hard his eyes missed over.  Bruises were forming where Myrrh had him pinned.  He thrashed and fought but Myrrh used his movements against him, let Estinien tire himself out.  Panic built in him, at not being able to move, to leap and soar.  Myrrh road that out with him too, biting at his shoulder to ease the tension out somewhere else. 

                By the end of it he was holding Estinien, his embrace strong and sure and overpowering.  His rage had turned to terror and Myrrh held him through that too.  It was a routine they were used to now but each time it felt like the first.       

                He didn't want to be safe.  He didn't want to be tended and cared for.  He'd failed so many, hurt so many.  He didn't want this he didn't -

                "Breathe, Estinien, breathe."

                Myrrh held him flat under him now, presence solid on his back, weighing him down into the bed.  One hand was still in his hair, stroking his scalp.  The other had one of Estinien's hands pinned.  Myrrh's thigh was between his legs, pinning his legs and back.  Estinien made a noise he was embarrassed of and rocked his hips as best he could.  His erection had flagged in the wake of his terror but Myrrh's breath at the back of his neck woke him to it again. 

                Myrrh sighed, and Estinien panicked that he'd done something wrong but Myrrh pulled his head up by his hair again and his lips were at the corner of Estinien's.  It was slow and forced him to match.  Between kisses, Myrrh was murmuring into his neck, whispering affections Estinien craved.  They broke him to hear and his trembling was back. 

                "Too much?" Myrrh asked.  Estinien hid his face in the mattress and Myrrh stroked his neck.  He hated this.  Hated that he couldn't take a simple compliment.  Hated that he was so turned inside out that simple affection rendered him useless. 

                "Hey, gentle, gentle." Myrrh soothed.  Like he was a mount.  Like he was an animal that thrashed and bit and was too stupid to know what was good for it. 

                But no, no.  Myrrh had never been like that.  Not Myrrh who respected him, who debated about dragons and the future of Ishgard and never gave up on him, not once when Estinien had been possessed.  Myrrh had put his life on the line for Estinien again and again and this was how he repaid him? By hurting him in his own bed?

                "Estinien," Myrrh bit his ear, yanking his mind back.  "Focus on me.  Only on me.  Can you do that for me?"

                "Don't coddle me," he snapped back, glaring.  Myrrh gripped the back of his neck and squeezed.  Estinien stilled against the pain, mind soothed back into being blank.  A distant memory of Nidhogg's swam before his eyes, of reprimanding young drakes the same way.  No doubt Myrrh had done the same with his own cubs. 

                "The match is over," Myrrh told him.  "You fought bravely Estinien but I won.  It's over." 

                Something he couldn't name settled in his chest at those words.  The calm from the pressure spread though his chest.

                "It's over?" his voice was meek.  Any other time he would have blanched at the noise but now, with Myrrh above him and in control it didn't matter.

                "Yes Estinien.  You did so good.  Will you keep being good for me?"

                He wanted that.  He didn't know how to voice it.  He nodded, burying his face in the blankets again.  For once in his life he wanted to be good.  He didn't want to be alone anymore. 

                "Good, Estinien good. Can you be patient for me?" Estinien nodded and Myrrh kissed his spine. It was a solid kiss, shy of being a mark. It was simple but Estinien flushed at it, feeling like warm sap at the touch.  
                Myrrh gathered his wrists together and moved Estinien so he rested on his elbows, wrists stretched out front. He was on his knees now, spine still low so his face was on the bed. Myrrh guided his hips, thumbs digging into an already sore back to loosen a knot. Estinien whimpered at the touch. When Myrrh moved away his voice was all but a plea. "Hush, Estinien. You're doing good. Keep your hands like that. That's good." Myrrh's hands were on him again, moving his hair so it hung on one side. He kissed the newly exposed back. His hands trailed down Estinien's flank. His nails were claws but he was being gentle with them, too gentle. Estinien whimpered again.

                "Don't treat me like glass!" Myrrh's palm came hard, the impact choking a gasp out of him. The sound was loud in the quiet of the room, clearing the buzz of blood in his ears. His ass stung, lines of pain radiating out from Myrrh's claws.  
                That sensation bloomed in his chest again, that peace. But through it he was worried. Myrrh usually ignored his baits, went gentle and kind until Estinien thought he'd die from it.  
He turned his head to look at Myrrh but the miquo'te's grip was at his neck again, forcing him down.

                He squinted his eyes shut at being denied, trying to quiet the pleasure that settled low in his gut at it. His erection throbbed.

                "Estinien, you need to listen to me."  Myrrh's voice was a low order now.  Estinien swallowed hard.  "You aren't being patient."

                "I don't --" Estinen breathed out.  But what?  What didn't he want? His thoughts were muddied into nothing but sensation.  He rutted aimlessly into the mattress, mind still lapping at his stinging pain.

                "What 'don't' you want?"

                "I --" This wasn't fair.  He glared hard at Myrrh.  He _hated_ him.  Why wouldn't he do something!

                Myrrh's hand came again and Estinien's lungs caught his breath wrong.  He started coughing into the mattress, shuddering with ragged sensation.  And then Myrrh's hands were at his cock, claws grazing delicate flesh and he gasped again.  Myrrh's lips were at his throat, then at his lips stealing what little breath he had.  It was awful.  He should have hated it but pleasure raked up his spine and he thrust into Myrrh's hand. 

                He ignored the sentiments whispered into his skin -- the 'so beautiful' and 'like that love, let go'.  He didn't need it.  He didn't want it.   He didn't he didn't he didn--

                He came hard onto Myrrh, breath torn from him.   Buried his face against Myrrh's shoulder, shuttering like something broken.  All the tangled breath in him became a silent moan, nails digging into the mattress.  Pain broke into pleasure so bright he shut his eyes to it.  Myrrh held him through that too;  knew when to loosen his grip and soothe.  His nails combing through his scalp, soothing where he needed it. 

                It was nice. 

                It was so nice.  He always  forgot this part.  Myrrh guided his arms into a more comfortable position and he made a noise of protest as he got up.  Myrrh returned with a warm, damp towel and enough sense had returned to him that he was able to move and help Myrrh clean.  Lips again, at his, gentle and soothing, taking without asking but without demand.  Myrrh kissed him because he wanted to, not to prove a point or for anything other than the pleasure of it. 

                "Shh, settle, love."  Myrrh guided him back into the covers, kissing his forehead, thumb pressing at the back of his neck. 

                He loved this part.  How did he forget he loved this part?

                "Let me," he began.  It took all his concentration but he started to move out of Myrrh's hold so he could palm his erection.  Myrrh's had flagged but his pleasure was clearly still there.  "Let me help you." 

                Myrrh caught his hand and kissed it, guided it back up to settle on his bad shoulder.  Estinien pressed and Myrrh's eyes fluttered. 

                This.  He could help with this.  He kissed at the ruined joint and Myrrh sighed again.  Estinien's head still swam with pleasure but he did his best soothe his partner's pain.  Myrrh's eyes squeezed shut, knife-edged pupils blown wide when they opened again.  And he leaned in for another kiss and Estinien all but hummed. 

                "That's perfect, love."  Myrrh said and he tried to ignore.  But the words etched into his ribs.  The core of himself was being rewritten by this man, moment by moment.  He already didn't recognize himself from the man he was before their journey.  Soon, the broken man in the hospital bed would be gone too.  He closed his eyes again and settled against his partner.  "You're perfect, Estinien."

                Estinien shook his head.  Didn't dare look up because he didn't want to see Myrrh realize how wrong he was.  But Myrrh just kissed at his hair and soothed a hand down his back. 

                "Bad days and all, Estinien.  Always."  Another kiss and he wanted to stay in this moment.  He didn't want to grow and learn anymore.  He didn't want to suffer and be torn away from Myrrh like he dreaded he would be.  Just like this, forever.  Just this.

                He breathed and the moment passed and Myrrh was still with him.  They were still wrapped up in each other.  And it was -

                It was good.  He could do this he could do this he could --

                "Shh, Estinien.  That's enough worrying for now.  You can worry again tomorrow, I promise.  Just rest now."  Myrrh's thumb came to his forehead, soothing out his brows.  Estinien _humph'ed_ but settled.  Myrrh yawned and nuzzled down beside him.  And there was a rumble in his chest Estinien would put good money on was a purr.

                Estinien dreaded his nightmares.  He hated the cold and rage and grief that came with them.  But sharing the aftermath with Myrrh, even if it was only borrowed time, it was something precious. 

                He wrapped his arms around Myrrh and pulled him in tight .  Whatever time they had together, he was going to use it to make Myrrh happy.   

                 

                

 


End file.
